Crossposted at That’s What Ze Said
So, I’m going to rant about a trend I find ridiculously annoying about some of the more radical spaces I’ve been in: the idea that polyamory is somehow the best relationship model out there and that any sort of monogamy is to be demonized. I find this sentiment annoying on about 10 different levels.
What annoys me most is that it is based entirely on theory and not on everyday experience. I don’t care what kind of relationship model you have going as long as it is healthy for those involved. Rather than basing the quality on the relationship on what sort it is, we should be looking at if it is good for those involved. The questions I ask when talking to friends about their relationships are not “Are you poly? Mono? Open?” etc. I want to know “Are you being supported? Are you supporting your partner? Do you communicate?” These questions seem far more important than anything else.
One argument I hear a lot is “But.. monogamy is the ideal. Therefore it should be questioned. Therefore it is bad.” Now, the first two sentences are completely legit. We should question our relationship ideals. But we should do the same with poly ones. Also, the idea that, that which is the ideal is automatically bad seems rather silly. Let’s apply this logic to sexuality. By this logic, heterosexuality should never happen. We should all choose to be queer, even if we are only interested in the “opposite” genders. Rather than be who we are, this logic would have straight people deny their own sexualities and adopt one that does not fit. As we see with compulsory heterosexuality, compulsory queerness is equally fail.
This argument also ignores the fact that poly can be equally problematic and playing into the same things being questioned in monogamous relationships. Being poly does not do away with possessiveness, jealousy, bad communication, unbalanced power dynamics, abuse, or any of the million other things that are fucked/go wrong in relationships. It is just another model of relationship, no better or worse than monogamy.
I often feel alienated from spaces because I am grey-asexual, demi-romantic. Dating is not a common reality for me. I will easily go 2 years single without batting an eye. The idea of having multiple love interests/partners at a time is just far fetched. When I do date, I really only want one partner. This is not simply because of my socialization. It is my sexuality. I see this issue as just another way that ace people are misunderstood and excluded from communities.
Now, in no way am I demonizing poly relationships either. My last relationship was poly and I really enjoyed it. My point is simply that a relationship should be healthy, regardless of how it has been set up. Let’s look at it like that, rather than upholding certain models as somehow inherently better than others.
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