Do you remember the long trip home from school every time you had to bring home your report card? Getting an F was the worst thing in the world! You would rather face any other of the traumatic things that a young imagination could conjure up rather than show up at home with an F. F equaled failure. Getting an F meant that you might get grounded or sent to your room, or worse, getting your rear end beat with a switch!! Sometimes- it even meant summer school!!
I remember I once stoled one of my teachers red pens just so if there was ever a dreaded F, I could change it before my parents ever saw it! The very last thing in the world I wanted was that letter! It’s funny how time has a way of changing things and making what was once so undesirable- very desirable.
There are certain hurtles and milestones that every person in transition has to get over or surpass. Usually the first being that they acknowledge themselves and make the decision to begin the transition process and weigh all the pro’s and con’s and consequences of making that decision. Then there is the picking of a suitable name and making that change. Seeing that name on your license or ID for the first time is such an exciting event! But…it is still bitter sweet nonetheless.
There is still that one thing that you hope anyone who looks at your license or ID will over look. Or when you are filling out forms for what ever- you still have that single letter staring you in the face. It is that single letter that reminds you of your past and fills you with dredge.
After being full time for just under five years and almost a year of seeing my therapist every week an working through all my issues- I walked into his office this past Thursday, without an appointment, asking him if he now felt comfortable enough with my progress to write that letter proclaiming that I was “irrevocably committed” to gender change (which I sooo am!!).
In the State of Arizona- this is all that is required to change the gender marker prior to SRS.
I was so excited! standing there in the DMV office waiting for my new license. If someone had come up behind me and said “boo!” I would have been stuck to the ceiling!!! I was prepared for the ladies there at DMV to give every reason why they couldn’t do it and the disappointment that would follow, but when the lady took my form and copy of my therapists letter and reading it and looked up at me and said “it will just take a minute Hun.” I thought I would pass out right there!
I walked out of the DMV with my new license and an F. This F does not mean failure as it had in the youth of my school days.
I know who I am and who I have always been. I don’t need a single letter to define me. But..ladies, I will tell you- it definitely doesn’t hurt either!!
I Got an “F”!!!!!!
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